His wife got up and unplugged the TV.

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating ."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn
it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah,well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."

The wife says, "Now,dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

THE SECRET TO A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary
on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a
peaceful & loving couple."

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the
secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,"
explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona
and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and
she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and
quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled
again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more
my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a
third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her
purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did
you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever
after."

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would do as he asked and put all his money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."